Okay, so gyaan ganga for new age relationships (read: apni bhadaas aap par nikaal raha hoon):
1. If you have to say 'Aur sunao' within ten minutes of a conversation, phone call or FB/WhatsApp chat, don't talk to me.
2. Premiyon/premikaon: 'kya khaya?', 'brush kiya?', 'maine aaj tiffin mein rajma rakha hai', 'jaldi so jana' are all upping your bad relationship karma. This is NOT what 'Beta tu jaldi se bada ho ja fir hum DHHER sari baat karenge' meant.
3. Please hang up if you have nothing to say except making me listen to how you're chopping onions/filling up an Excel/making PPTs/writing code.
4. Talking politics is cool. Admitting to not caring about politics is also okay, though not as cool. Being opinionated without knowing what you're talking about is as sexy as a wilting cabbage. With big, brown, writhing maggots.
5. NO YOU CANNOT CALL ME SHONA ON MY PUBLIC FACEBOOK WALL!
6. I don't booze. You do. Go ahead: not stopping you and not joining you, but definitely judging you. And your friend who has to throw up after three pegs.
7. 'Our special together time' does not mean me accompanying you shopping, or you joining me for a football match. It means we must find something that we both enjoy equally. Which of course means what we both detest equally, like gardening, or finger painting, or going to a flute recital. Yayyy - not.
8. My friends stink like a shaggy dog. Learn to put up with them. Yours laugh like a horse, and I have always been able to control my urge to offer them some grass. Know this: they go back wayyyyy farther than you, and though it doesn't seem that way, they do actually like you in an abstract, Sheldon-ish way. Academic, as it were.
9. Women can cry. So can men. It does not give anybody any leverage over the other. Don't use them as blackmail, and don't play psychological games: the day it backfires, you will end up with a pitifully black, soot-coated face.
10. HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE DOGS!!!???!
Phew! Feels good to get this out of the system - got any more gems?
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